Something Worth Dying For
by snowflakey
Summary: [....But still I could feel the pressure, the hand of God weighing down on me, saying “you were not there for your friend when she needed you”....] LilyJames, told through the eyes of Sirius Black.
1. Prologue

**A/N: This is an L/J alternate universe, told through the eyes of Sirius Black. Not compatible with OOTP.**

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**Prologue**

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**_You don't understand – there are things worth dying for!_**

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**_- Sirius Black, OOTP_**

For the first eleven years of my life, I never really felt as though I belonged. I had two brothers, a sister, and more cousins than I could count, but although it was never really acknowledged, I was always the odd one out. I learned quickly the twisted way in which my family functioned – it was survival of the fittest. That is, if you were not brutal and cunning, your sense of self-worth would quickly disappear. The first time I ever doubted what my parents had taught me, however, was the day I arrived at Hogwarts for the very first time.

There were thunderclouds looming over the castle and the air was alive with magic, I could sense it. The atmosphere had a weight and smell about it that I secretly loved – summer rain was not far off.

I had spent the train ride with people I already knew through my family. I didn't particularly enjoy their company but I befriended them anyway, for the simple reason that I was a proud member of the Black family, and it was expected that I hold these particular people close and other particular people far. The law had been laid down long ago, and I fully intended to obey it.

I didn't consciously recognize it, but this was a reflection of my greatest inner fear. The fear that no matter how hard I tried or how many things I accomplished, I wouldn't be good enough to satisfy those that mattered to me. That I would never really fit in. I had a strong desire to prove myself as a person worthy of value and respect. I never admitted it, not even to myself, but deep down I was incredibly insecure, no matter how self assured I appeared. I spent most of my time throwing myself into the activities my family wanted me to pursue and doing things I thought would make them proud. I built up a secure network of acquaintances and achievements.

Then, after I was sorted into Gryffindor, my secure world shattered. I, Sirius Black, had been sorted into the house my family shunned, the house of pride and nobility and courage, the exact opposite of Slytherin, the house I had dreamed of being in. Of course, I was immediately shunned by my so-called "friends" who all became Slytherins, as I believed I should have been. The moment the Sorting Hat yelled "Gryffindor" I felt so crushed and ashamed, and partly disbelieving. No member of the Black family had even been in Gryffindor. A few in Ravenclaw and even some in Hufflepuff, but never Gryffindor, the house that my older brother and sister openly ridiculed when they came home at the end of each term.

I knew the score, and it was hard for me to accept; my Slytherin peers would no longer talk to me, my family would hate me and Gryffindor students would not see me as one of them. What was supposed to be the best and most special time of my life seemed like seven more long years of not fitting in anywhere. I would never succeed. Not when I was in the wrong house.

I walked along to the Gryffindor Tower that first night. The prefects were just ahead of me, but the rest of the first years lagged behind. They had all formed their friendship groups on the train. However, one girl had the courage to approach me. She was a head shorter than me, with thick, curly red hair. She had to be a muggle-born; nobody who knew my family would have dared approach me. Thankfully, I was so shocked by the evening's events her heritage did not occur to me. If it had, I would have loudly insulted her and scared her away.

She was different from the others, with plain yet unusual looks and an even more unusual character. She went against everything my family stood for. She was open, friendly, cheerful, pure, young, and wore her heart on her sleeve. She introduced herself as Lily Evans, and she was the turning point of my life.

I got a letter the next morning from my parents but I was too scared to open it. No doubt my sister and brother had owled home the night before and notified them of the shocking scandal. At the first opportunity I stuffed the parchment at the bottom of my trunk and tried to forget about it. The only thing that consoled me slightly was the fact that even though my family and probably disowned me overnight, Lily Evans still talked to me the next morning and sat next to me at breakfast.

Flying lessons look up the better part of the first day. I thought them to be a waste of time; I'd had private lessons since the age of six and planned to try out for the Quidditch team the next year. It was during that lesson, however that it became evident to me that Lily was the only one in Gryffindor who had not been on a broom before, and therefore was a muggle-born. This surprised me, mainly because at the time there weren't very many muggle-borns, and those who were generally stuck together in Hufflepuff.

Despite what my family had told me about those who were not of pure blood, I never said anything because the only friendship I had was too important to jeopardize. In fact, I was grateful that she knew nothing about me and therefore was not prejudiced against me. We quickly became best friends.

Over the next month we were inseparable. We ate together, did our homework together and snuck out to fly together (Even though Lily was new to flying, she quickly developed a liking to it).

I adored her, in an eleven-year-old way, I really did. She was everything I wasn't, and different from everyone else. She was confident and talked a lot, and even though the rest of the year regarded her as a little weird for hanging around me, I appreciated her company more than she would ever know.

I never meant to hurt her.

A little into the October of that year, things changed. Under the unknowing influence of Lily, I had come out of my jaded and cynical shell and become a more pleasant person to be around. It became clear to me that I needed some male friends; I was lonely in the dormitory at night. I became more and more intent on observing the things my dorm-mates said and did, and before I knew it I was obsessed with fitting in and making friends with them.

I was pleasantly surprised when I butted in on one their conversations one night. They weren't the stupid people I had thought them to be at the beginning of the year. They were noble and proud, yes, but lighthearted and fun at the same time. It was then I accepted I was meant to be a Gryffindor, and it was then that I was finally accepted into their fold.

As I became more open and happy and different from the rest of my family, they in turn ignored my background and treated me as my own person, an individual. So when James Potter formed a secret "club" and invited me and two other boys to join, I inevitably accepted.

I spent all my time hanging around them and abruptly forgot all about Lily. It was cruel, and now I feel unbearably ashamed and guilty, but I no longer needed her. I finally fitted in to the then nameless club consisting of James, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew and myself. I never saw her complain once, though. It must have become pretty clear to her that she no longer had the privilege of counting me as her friend, but she just went happily on her way, smiling at everyone. I never once stopped to think that without me she had no-one. She was fairly well-liked by most of the student population, but I don't think she had any close friends. But again, I no longer needed her or my family, because I was no longer one the outside looking in. And that felt great.

Over the next few years I totally changed, so much that I could no longer recognize my younger self. I grew closer and closer to all the guys, particularly James. I stayed at his house every holiday except for the summer. I looked down on the Slytherins with contempt, in the exact same way they did to me. I had everything I wanted, but none of it would have existed without Lily and her influence. But I didn't stop to think about that. I was invincible – I needed no-one but my friends, now named The Marauders. Suddenly, my family's hatred toward me didn't matter so much. I had everything I ever wanted.

Then one day, unexpectedly, Lily Evans re-entered my life.


	2. Chapter One

**a/n****: Thanks to those who reviewed the prologue.**

**MarauderFan4ever – **Thanks! I think I'm obsessed with Sirius. I still haven't gotten over his death in book five. The quote came from the chapter in OOTP titled "St Mungo's Hospital", when Mr. Weasley gets bitten by the snake. Fred and George want to go to St. Mungo's to make sure he's okay, but Sirius tells them not to, because it would look suspicious for the Order. They argue that their dad is more important than the Order, but Sirius says Mr. Weasley knew what he was getting into and that there were things worth dying for. They don't get it though, and I wouldn't either if my dad was fighting for his life. When I say "AU" I mean I've ignored the scene by the lake in OOTP, because it screws up my plot. James is slightly OOC, but the rest is pretty much canon, except for when Sirius is supposed to run away. In this he doesn't run away as such, but he doesn't come back next summer. You find out a bit about Lily and James' relationship in this chapter. Hope you enjoy it!

**J.E.A.R.K.Potter **– Hey! It's great to hear from the people who reviewed ALSTW again. Sorry this chapter isn't out as soon as I hoped, but hope you enjoy it anyway!

**Pdlegirl** – thank you! I hope it stays as original as it started out!

**Misakichi1** – Hope I spelt your s/n right! Thanks for reviewing!

**Starborn** – Heya! His name wasn't Michel, it was Mark. Get it right! But he was useless anyway, lol. Dunno where your notebook is, but I packed it when we left Coffs, so check your backpack. Thanks – I was hoping the prologue would be melodramatic! You can have a chocolate anytime you review ;).Thanks "starbiddy". Your faith in my writing means a lot to me. huggles

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**Chapter One**

**_You and me got to be   
Living life, dignity, integrity, sincerity   
'Cause honestly that's how it's got to be   
And when you come to that fork in the road   
Which way will you go?_**

**- Fork in the Road, by 1200 Techniques**

_Dear Sirius,_

_You might find this a bit odd, since we haven't talked for a while, but this is an emergency on my part and I have no-one else to turn to. _

_To cut a long story short, I got kicked out of my house with no money and nowhere to stay for the rest of the holidays. I'm writing to ask you to lend me some money – enough to stay at the Leaky Cauldron or something until September 1. I'll pay you back as soon as I can._

_Thank you very much,_

_Lily Evans._

I was in shock. I hadn't spoken to, or even so much as looked at Lily Evans since first year, yet there I stood, on a cloudy Tuesday morning with a letter from her in my hand, begging me for help. I was utterly perplexed. Why on Earth, after all these years, would she want me, Sirius Black, to help her? Conceited but true. I studied the parchment in more detail. I struggled to remember everything I could about Lily Evans from first year.

She had been friendly, cheerful and organized, and even at age eleven wrote in perfect cursive. However, her letter had obviously been written in a hurry; there were ink stains everywhere and her formerly neat handwriting had been reduced to a scrawl.

She had been perfect, as far as I could tell, before I got to know the boys. She would have been the last person I would have expected to have family troubles, much less kicked out of her own home, something even I hadn't managed yet (but, knowing my family, couldn't be too far off).

Judging from the letter, she was obviously very distressed, as we had not spoken for almost five years, and it puzzled me that she would write to me, instead of one of her friends.

Then, casting my mind back to first year, I remembered.

_She didn't have any friends._

It had just been her and me. And I, in a search for popularity and acceptance, had left her alone with no friends, to fend for herself in a world entirely new to her while I went of and joined secret clubs. She was a muggleborn, with no siblings or relatives at the school to fall back on. She had done nothing but befriend me and draw me out of my shell, and how did I repay her? By being an arse and forgetting all about her. Now, she was in an awful mess with no-one else to turn to.

God, I wanted to kick myself. In fact, that seemed like a good idea.

I sat down on my bed and tried to think rationally. God, I was so _stupid_. I breathed deeply and tried to work through the problem. Okay. Someone you have been really nasty to for NO GOOD REASON AT ALL is in a desperate situation and needs your help. She needs money and some serious therapy, or at least someone to be there for her.

Then it struck me. Helping Lily through this situation seemed like a good way to redeem myself for being so cruel to her back in first year. I could go to her and help her sort out whatever was going on with her family. I grabbed a spare scrap of parchment and began to write, my quill scratching loudly.

_Lily -_

_Here's the key to my account at Gringotts – number 1021. Take as much as you need – don't worry about paying me back. Then make your way – safely – to the Leaky Cauldron. I'll be there as soon as I can._

_-Sirius._

I figured I would apologize in person. I really wasn't that good at writing down my feelings, especially to someone who I hadn't spoken to for ages.

I hoped she would be fine until I met up with her. There was more money in my account than she would ever be able to spend – my parents, no matter how much they hated my guts, made sure that I would always be well-off. Besides, there were only two weeks left of the holidays before we began our 6th year at Hogwarts.

After sending the letter, I quickly put on some clothes and headed towards the living room where I would be able to floo to Diagon Alley, hopefully without my parents seeing me. I didn't stop to get some breakfast or write to James or Remus like I usually did in the morning – it was the only way I could survive two months in the Black household. For once, waking up had a purpose and I intend to fulfill it.

I strode to the large jar sitting on the antique coffee table and took a healthy pinch of floo powder. I threw it into the flames, watching them flare up and turn green.

"Where are you going?" a voice behind me asked curiously. I could tell without even turning around that it was the voice of my younger brother, Regulus. He was only ten and due to start Hogwarts at the beginning for that year. He used to be my closest brother, but after my sorting our parents and worked tirelessly on turning him against me. So far, they had succeeded – he doted on them, but he had a highly inquisitive nature, and I knew I intrigued him.

"Out," I said curtly, before stepping into the flames. "Diagon Alley!" I enunciated loudly and clearly.

Five minutes later I was standing anxiously at the bar of the Leaky Cauldron, waiting for Lily to arrive.

It was turning out to be an ugly day; there were dark, heavy clouds blocking out the sun, yet it was uncomfortably hot. It reminded me of the night I first met her, when she had mentioned to me how much she loved summer rain.

I felt her presence before I saw her; she was a tiny figure standing in the huge doorway, with tears running down her cheeks. She looked so small and tired and sad.

In my shocked state I only had one thought running through my mind – _this was not the Lily Evans I remembered. _

It took her a while to find me, but it took me even longer to move. I strode over to her and gave her what I hoped was a comforting hug. She began sobbing helplessly into my chest.

"I'm s-sorry, I'm so sorry for doing this to you…" she whispered over and over again.

I had absolutely no clue what to do. No-one in my house had cried since they got past the baby stage, and here I was, standing with a girl I thought I knew but really didn't in the middle of a pub. And, to make the situation worse, she was sobbing her heart out. People were beginning to stare, so I went over to the inn-keeper and said

"Can I have a room please?"

"Of course, sir," the man said looking at me with a mixture of pity, and curiosity. "Here's the key. Upstairs, second on the right. Number six."

"Thanks," I said, grabbing the key.

"Good luck," he mouthed. I could do nothing but grimace.

What on Earth was I going to do?

"Relax, Lily, it'll be okay. We can fix this," I muttered into her hair. I put my free arm around her tiny waist and led her upstairs, her bag floating along behind her. Once we were inside and the door was safely shut I sat her down on the too-small bed. She simply cried on my shoulder for ten minutes before I thought I had better say something.

"It'll be alright. Tell me what's wrong and we can fix this."

God I hoped I was doing this right.

I handed her a tissue and she blew her nose loudly. I took the time to study her. She looked horrible. Not ugly, even though her nose was red and her face was screwed up from crying so much, but worn, tired and very, very thin. She looked like she hadn't eaten in days. She was wearing muggle clothes – a large overcoat and jeans and a jumper underneath – far too warm for the middle of summer. God, she looked so fragile. So … breakable. I wondered what could have reduced a normally bright, happy girl to such a broken shadow.

She took a deep, shaky breath and in a quiet, tired voice began her story.

"I-I … When I was seven, my parents got divorced. I haven't seen my father for ages, but last year my mother married a man much younger than her. He was young enough to be my older brother. For God's sake he's only 23…"

_Please don't let this be an abusive stepfather story, _I remember thinking.

"Anyway, I didn't know much about him, but he seemed nice, and when my mum asked what I thought I told her they seemed like a good match. She seemed really happy. But then she had this party. A dinner party. She invited mostly people I didn't know but one Wizarding family was there. Their son is in our grade at Hogwarts. God, this is so humiliating …" she trailed off, burying her head in her hands. Her long red hair was spilling onto my neck and shoulder, and it was tickling me, making it hard to concentrate.  I figured I should say something.

"It's okay. I won't tell anyone unless I think I need to …"

That didn't seem to comfort her much. She turned away from me trying to hide. Eventually, she began to speak again.

"He asked me out, okay? And I said no, because I knew he had made fun of me behind my back and I didn't really like him that much."

"Right …" I said, really confused.

_God, please don't let this be a family-friend-turned-rapist story_, I thought.

"So then, the next day – that's today, when we were cleaning up, my mum started yelling at me for no good reason. I eventually found out what this guy had told her. I said no to him, and he went to my mother and said … oh, God, it was so awful … he told my mum that he'd seen me _flirting_ with my stepfather. _Coming on to him_ were his words. So then – then she chucked me out and told me never to come back again,"

My mouth was hanging open. "So … what, she believed him over you? Her daughter?"

She nodded, and started to cry again. I was beginning to think that this was worse than the rapist/abusive stepfather scenario.

"Tell me who he is so I can kill the sick bastard," I growled, furious. How could someone do something so horrible – how could someone bear to deliberately hurt this girl?

Then I remembered. I already had.

"I-I can't tell you…" she muttered.

I put my hand on her shoulder and she shrugged it off.

"You have to tell me," I said. "Is it someone we both know?"

"Y-yes…"

"In Slytherin?"

"No…"

"Ravenclaw? Hufflepuff?"

She just shook her head.

"So what, he was in Gryffindor?"

Unwillingly, she nodded.

_Oh, God, please don't let it be … _

"It's not … it's not … it can't be … one of us?"

She nodded again, sobbing even harder.

"Who is it? I almost yelled, turning her around to face me. "Who is it?"

For the first time she looked me directly in the eyes. _God, they were so green …_

"James Potter," she whispered.

I could barely believe it. My best friend, the most popular guy in our year, the guy who could get any girl he wanted …

"THAT'S A LIE!" I yelled, standing up and stalking over to the wall. But inside, I knew it was true. James was a jealous person; he didn't like sharing his friends with anyone else and he certainly didn't like being rejected. He was my _best friend_, and he did this …

I started beating the wall with my fist.

"Hey? Do you mind?" I heard someone yell next door.

"Go to hell!" I yelled back, before turning to face Lily. She looked so pitiful, rocking back and forward and drowning in her tears.

"Come on," I said firmly, gently dragging her to her feet. You can't stay here by yourself for two weeks. I'll take you back to my house,"

She nodded and wiped her eyes.

"Okay," she whispered softly.

I tried to calm down. There was no way my parents would let muggle-borns in the house. The thought of them inviting Lily over for dinner would have been laughable if the situation wasn't so serious.

I flooed ahead of her to make sure no-one was around, then went back and brought her with me. I smuggled her to my room using the house-elf passages, and miraculously, we didn't get caught.

I left her in my room with the door shut, locked and sealed in search of food. The morning's events were beginning to sink in. I had been unbelievably cruel to a nice, beautiful girl whose trust and home had been shattered by my best friend, and here I was with the same hysterical muggle-born girl who I had to hide in my room for the next two weeks.

I was in deep shit, but Lily was a hell of a lot worse off then I was.

I went and got snacks from the house elves, and planned to go back to Lily, make her eat, eat myself and talk the situation through rationally. I tried to be calm. I was doing the best I could for her, trying to make things up to her.

But even as I told myself that, I could feel a heavy weight, the hand of God pressing down on me, saying _you were not there for your friend when she needed you._

**a/n****: Sirius is not religious, he uses words like "God" out of habit. After all I put him through in this story he might need some guidance, though … **


	3. Chapter Two

**Thank you very much to those who reviewed Chapter 1. You really made my day.** **MarauderFan4ever** - I agree. Don't get me wrong, I love the HP series, but sometimes characters like Harry and sometimes Hermione really, really bother me. Sometimes I just want to scream at them to grow up, y'know? The movies accentuate this feeling, by the way ;). **J.E.A.R.K.Potter** – Thanks, hope you like this chapter as much as you did the last one :D **Nicole Kim** – Thanks! Sorry about the delay, but I can never seem to update on time … I need to set myself some deadlines or something, because I'm so lazy, honestly … **patrioticangel** – Thanks for reviewing – I kind of answered your question in this chapter, lol. **blonde-babe-christina** – Thanks, that means a lot to me. I always love the really dramatic fics … **misakichi1** – continuing! Even if it took me, like, two weeks or something … :D **Abarraine** – Thanks. Hope you enjoy this chapter!**sara** – thank you! **Wordpainter** – wow! That's really, really nice of you. Thanks for putting so much thought into my story and telling me about it. Hope you enjoy this chapter! **Summerkins** – Yes, you guessed right! Well done … hope you enjoy this chapter even though you guessed what comes next ;) **Analise** – heh. Hope your curiosity got satisfied … **Akira Gown** – Yes, his position only gets worse. Thanks for reviewing! **MissMisFit9** – Yeah, I hope I explained it, but he just didn't like being rejected. A kind of spoilt kid thing to do, I guess. **willow23 **– thanks, I thought that James being the evil person was really predictable (believe me, I was cringing when I wrote it), but I'm happy that you enjoyed it anyway. Thank you! **Jaxindi **– Here you go, I finally updated! Love the s/n, by the way. **Ruth3** – Yeah, I hope it becomes a little clearer for you in this chapter … James saw Lily as a hot girl, so he asked her out, but Lily declined, because she knew he wouldn't treat her with much respect, so she said no and he got angry because he was rejected and decided (hotheadedly) to get revenge. Hope you enjoy this chapter! **The Actress** – Here's more for you. Thanks for reviewing; I'm glad you like it! 

**Chapter Two **

**_I don't fear none of my enemies  
And I don't fear bullets from Uzi's  
I've been dealing with something that's worse than these  
That'll make you fall to your knees and that's the  
The anxiety the sane and the insane rivalry  
Paranoia's brought me to my knees  
Lord please, please, please  
Take away my anxiety_**

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**- Anxiety, by the Black Eyed Peas**

I tried as hard as I could to make her feel better, I really did. But I soon learnt that with Lily, nothing ever went quite to plan. Take, for example, the day I took her back to my place. I had assumed that if I gave Lily something to eat and made her stop crying, and then somehow made James apologize to her in front of her mum, then everything would be alright and I would no longer feel guilty and Lily Evans would no longer be my responsibility.

I was so, so wrong.

First of all, I managed to convince a very suspicious house-elf to give me enough food for two to take to my room. I may have been paranoid, but I swear he was looking at me strangely. There's really nothing quite like harboring a 'fugitive' in your bedroom. It makes you paranoid.

And after all that effort Lily wouldn't eat. She just sat there on my bed, sniffling occasionally, not really listening to anything I was saying. It was two days after I had brought her home and she only ever moved to sleep or go to the bathroom. I had had no former experience in dealing with grief-stricken girls (the only two girls in my immediate family didn't experience emotions like grief) and had no clue what I was supposed to do. Normally I would have asked James, since he was quite the ladies' man but, given the circumstances, that was out of the question.

But after two days of being Lily's shoulder to cry on, I was beginning to think that I should do something. It may have just been me, but it seemed as though she was overreacting more than a little. I mean, I guess her family meant a lot to her and stuff, but it didn't look like she was planning to get over it and fix the problem so that she could move on anytime soon.

Another thing about her was that she was incredibly sensitive. I wasn't used to having a girl around me 24/7, and even less used to having to watch what I said before the words escaped my mouth. When I mentioned the word 'family' she would burst into tears and when I made a hesitative attempt to discuss fixing the situation she would only cry harder.

And then there was the stress of keeping her in the house without the rest of the family – in particular my parents - finding out. I had a pretty clear idea what would happen. Lily would be killed, tortured, mutilated or at the very least scarred for life, and I would be disowned (my father had threatened to do so twice that summer already), and my family would make sure that it would not be possible to pursue any kind of career in the wizarding world.

It would have been funny if the danger wasn't so horribly real.

When I woke up on the morning of the third day to see Lily crying again, I decided that I'd had enough. To hell with trying to be sensitive and help her - she'd stay wallowing in her misery forever if I didn't do something.

I stumbled out of bed and made my way to the water mattress I had transfigured out of a calendar for her to sleep on and hauled her tiny frame up.

"Come on, Lily," I said purposefully. "We're going shopping."

Why shopping? Because girls love that sort of thing. But again, nothing ever went to plan with Lily. We'd been inside all of the clothes stores in Diagon Alley, all the shops that sold pretty stationery and girly trinkets, and we were now gazing at pretty animals in the pet shop. However, Lily looked exactly the same. Tired, sad and very, very thin. After she seemed done with staring vacantly at the cage that held what looked to be a cross between a koala and a kneazle, I grabbed her elbow.

"Okay Lily," I said, as if speaking to a small child. "Now we're going to get something to eat."

Predictably, she just followed along behind me, not bothering to reply. I marched up to the counter of Florean's and ordered one large mint-choc-chip sundae. I looked at Lily.

"I don't want one," she said quietly. Fantastic. She was finally talking.

"And why would that be?" I asked in a lazy manner.

"I'm not hungry," she looked at the floor.

"She'll have vanilla, thanks." I said to Florean. I took both the sundaes outside and we sat under what looked to be a giant umbrella. Lily sat down and looked at her hands.

"Eat, Lily." I snapped, somewhat nastily. Hey, I was frustrated.

Slowly and deliberately, she looked up and swallowed a tiny spoonful, her eyes never leaving mine. Then she cocked her head and said in a bitchy tone

"Happy?"

Even better. The girl was finally getting some backbone. I grinned lazily and leant back, placing my hands above my head. It looked as though we were finally making some headway. In fact, everything was going perfectly – she was talking rather than sobbing and eating, even if it was miniscule amounts of vanilla ice cream. And then I looked up.

Oh, _shit_.

Not far ahead of where we were sitting, came Remus, Peter and James were walking down the wide street in our direction. A thousand thoughts flooded my mind, the first of which being that there was sure to be a confrontation, and I would be stuck in the middle. I could pick James' side, my best friend of five years who had stuffed up for some unknown reason, or the side of the victim in this twisted situation who happened to be camped out on my bedroom floor. I leaned over and whispered harshly

"Lily, hide! Now!"

She looked around frantically and spotted the boys quickly, but they were too close. There was no way either of us could hide without them catching sight of us. I was in such deep shit I couldn't think straight. It was lucky that Lily did.

"Keep low and they might not see us."

She bent under the table away from the street, as if she were looking for something in her bag. In actual fact, she was rummaging through the pockets of my jacket, as if that would help us. I wanted to hide, too, or run away, but I was frozen. All of my false cool had disappeared when I needed it most.

For a moment, as I held my breath, it seemed as though they would walk by without seeing us. Then, Peter ruined it all.

"Hey, guys," he said in a loud voice. "Let's go in for ice-cream or someth – oh! Hey! Sirius!"

That little idiot had to go and ruin it. I couldn't remember feeling so terrified and hopeless.

They were walking over. I shot a glance at Lily, whose body was visibly shaking.

How the hell was I going to get out of this one?

"Hey, Padfoot," said Remus jovially as they approached. "What'cha doing?"

"And more importantly," interjected James "Who's the girl?"

Oh God. Could this get any worse? I squirmed uncomfortably in my chair, wishing to be anywhere but here.

"Ah … well … actually …" I said slowly, looking for a way, any way out of this.

Right then, Lily sat up, with a painful and strangely terrified look on her face. We made eye contact, and I could somehow decipher the message in her eyes.

_There's no way out of it. We may as well face the situation._

I could do nothing but watch James' face. He smiled, and went to introduce himself but then squinted, stopped. For a while his eyes just flitted from my face to Lily's, both of us looking equally terrified. His confused look turned into a frown and he began to shake his head.

"No way," he muttered. "No fucking way …"

In second year, it had become cool for every second word that came out of our mouths to be a swear word, and I don't think either of us ever really kicked the habit.

"I don't believe it …" he continued. "This cannot be happening …"

Remus and Peter were standing a little to the side, completely and utterly confused.

James' face began to contort with anger, and it was not a pretty sight.

"You …" he said through clenched teeth, his voice becoming progressively louder. "And her …" he finished. I could almost see his mind processing the situation.

He leaned down so that his face was at my level, and I shrunk back ever so slightly.

"You were supposed to be on my side," he said, slowly and dangerously. "Even if the little brat came running to you with some sob story about me you were still supposed to take my side. Always. We were friends, Sirius. We were friends and you went against me behind my back."

"It's not like that!" I spluttered. "I didn't know – I-"

"Come on guys," said James abruptly, standing up and motioning to Remus and Peter. "Let's go."

As they walked back in the direction they came from, Remus turned around and mouthed subtly "Owl me". I nodded.

After they were out of my sight, I gave a huge sigh and rested my head in my hands. Because of my guilt about deserting Lily when I was young and stupider than what I am now, I helped her out. Because of her, I tried to lie to my best friend and say I didn't know about their fiasco. But I did know, and I had somehow dug myself so deep that it was impossible to get out. I was going to lose my friends, who were the reason I got up every morning and the reason there nearly always a smile on my face. The fact that Remus got to hear my side of the story gave me a little bit of hope though.

Then a thought suddenly struck me. They had gone out without inviting me. They weren't very good friends if they were excluding me from their little group, were they?

That feeling from first year was coming back. The feeling of being the odd one out, the one on the outside looking in. I knew that feeling, and I didn't like it. I had seen what it was like to be on the bad side of James Potter and I didn't like that either.

"Sirius?" said Lily quietly, looking more than a little sorry for me. "Let's go now."

I nodded and got up, not bothering to eat the rest of my sundae.

As we walked back to the Leaky Cauldron in order to floo home I had time to study Lily without her noticing. She still looked terribly unhealthy, with a pale complexion and a tired look about her. She walked as though she was in her eighties, slowly and painfully, looking incredibly fragile.

Until I got her letter, I had completely forgotten how beautiful, compassionate, cheerful, intelligent, young, happy person Lily was. But suddenly, someone had taken all of that away from her and left her with a mere shell of a person with no soul or passion. That someone was my best friend and it made me incredibly mad every time I thought of it.

But then there was the flip side. James was my best friend, and even though he made a lot of mistakes and had many flaws, he was still a passionate, loyal and fun friend who made it seem like life really was worth living. In fact, when I thought about it, James and Lily had really similar character traits. That is until now. I was seeing the high maintenance side of Lily and the extremely ugly side of James.

Also, there was something that James had said that I just couldn't stop thinking about.

_"Even if the little brat came running to you with some sob story about me you were still supposed to take my side …"_

By saying 'some sob story' he made it seem as though Lily had not told me the entire truth. But then, that was almost impossible. After all, it was James that had lied to Lily's mother, wasn't it? But then, all I had was Lily's side of the story ….

Now I was more confused than ever.

I was so preoccupied and weighed down with my problems that I flooed home with Lily without even bothering to check ahead that no-one was there. That was the biggest mistake I could have made.

Because when I arrived, just after Lily, my younger brother Regulus was standing in the middle of the living room, gaping open-mouthed at the red-haired girl standing petrified in front of him.

I had to think fast.

"Don't move!" I said loudly and clearly to Regulus. "Don't you dare move!"

"Now _hurry_," I motioned to Lily, and we both ran up the stairs to my bedroom. She quickly dumped everything in her trunk and I transfigured her mattress back into my calendar and tossed it on to my desk. I grabbed her trunk and we both ran quickly downstairs. Regulus had disappeared, meaning he had gone to rat to one of my parents. It was only a matter of time before they came and Lily was trapped in the house. If there was one thing I feared more than anything else, it was the wrath of my family.

There was no time to shrink Lily's trunk so she simply clutched it with both hands and held it to her chest. I tossed a healthy amount of powder into the fire. I could faintly hear my brother's voice.

"He brought a girl, Mother, I swear! I don't know her - I think she's a muggle!"

He thought we were dating?

"Hurry!" I said again, more frantically this time. Lily stepped into the fire and enunciated "The Leaky Cauldron" loudly and clearly before being whisked away by the emerald green flames.

Just in time.

My mother Apparated into the room just quickly enough to catch sight of Lily before she disappeared. This tiny problem of Lily needing some money had quickly blown into something so, big that there was no way I could deal with it.

"GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE!" she screamed so loudly I thought my eardrums would burst. "AND DON'T EVER COME BACK!"

I was happy to oblige, and my last image of my childhood home was that of my extremely angry, overweight mother pitching the pot of Floo powder at the wall.

I met up with Lily at the Leaky Cauldron and we booked a room. There was only a week until school went back anyway. I quickly went to transfer my funds in Gringotts to a new, private account which hopefully my father would never be able to block or access. Once I felt I had time to breathe, though. I owled Remus, asking him to come up to our room. This problem was too big and I needed help. After hearing Lily's story – in my words that is; Lily refused to look anyone in the eyes, she just stared out the window – Remus was eager to offer advice. I had always favored James over him, but now I saw Remus for what he truly was; a friend, not just some companion who got the wrong end of the stick and fought with you over a girl.

He never stayed overnight, there were only two single beds in the room, but he visited every day. He talked to Lily, not like I did, but deeply and meaningfully, and she was finally looking a bit happier, if not slightly more confident that there was someone else on her side.

He told Peter too, who didn't visit but owled me, telling me something that Remus didn't mention: neither of them were talking to James. I sort of felt sorry from him then, even after what he did to Lily, because no-one deserves to be ignored. But for some reason I didn't say anything.

Remus and Lily often talked for hours, and I was free to wander around Diagon Alley. I never went very far, though, I was always a tiny bit afraid I would see James and be put in the same worst-case scenario as before. But despite my fears, I never saw him.

Remus was a cryptic person at the best of times, and whenever I asked him about Lily and how she was going, he never really answered me properly, preferring instead to give me advice on how to talk to her or what to feed her (apparently ice cream sundaes weren't nutritious), and most importantly how to treat her like an adult instead of a child.

The little he did say, though, gave me the impression that Lily being kicked out of her house was just the tip of the iceberg.


End file.
